Kes's World
by Mrs. Singing Violin
Summary: Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay embark upon a mission to bring Ocampa into the Federation. A sequel to "Kes is Dead."
1. Chapter 1: Birth

Title: Kes's World  
Author: Singing Violin  
Series: Star Trek: Voyager  
Rating: T  
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. Please don't sue.  
Summary: Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay embark upon a mission to bring Ocampa into the Federation. A sequel to "Kes is Dead."  
Author's note: Thank you to Aunt Kathy and Hestia for helping me with this and encouraging me to write it. Also thank you to every single person who read and reviewed KID, especially those who begged for a sequel. I'm sorry you had to wait so long, and hopefully this won't take too long from beginning to completion, but I make no promises.

Chakotay's eyes regarded his wife with tender concern. He spoke aloud. "Are you ready?"

She nodded, but he knew otherwise through the bond. He could feel the tears pricking at the edges of her eyes and silently reached out to mentally comfort her. _It's okay to be nervous. I'll help you through this._ He reached out and took her hand in his, squeezing gently. _I'm here. Take your time._ She squeezed back, accepting his offering gratefully.

Together, they approached the maturation chamber, and as the child came into view, she recoiled.

_It's okay_, Chakotay repeated silently. _I understand_.

Kathryn swallowed and then took a deep, calming breath. She reached out and flipped the switch.

As the door opened and the fluid drained, the baby stirred. Tentatively, Kathryn reached out to touch it. Chakotay kept a tight hold on her other hand, feeling her unease.

"Disconnect the umbilical," ordered the EMH, who had been watching from slightly behind the newlywed couple.

As she severed the tube connected to his belly button, his limbs flailed. She looked, momentarily, towards her husband, and he nodded at her approvingly. _Go ahead. Hold him._ He let go of her hand, but maintained the mental touch, so that she would not feel abandoned.

She reached into the chamber and pulled him out, and as she took him into her arms, the doctor stepped forward and disconnected the remaining tubes.

When the baby opened his mouth and let out his first wail, so too did tears spill from her eyes, and Chakotay snaked an arm around her shoulders, cuddling her to him as his own eyes echoed hers.

"He's beautiful," she breathed.

He smiled, looking down with pride at the child in her arms. "I know." _Just like his mother._

Carefully, Kathryn sat down in the rocking chair and cradled her child, savoring this moment, sharing her joy with the other who had helped create that small life. _Human life_, Chakotay reminded her. _He is human. He is ours._

Finally, she looked up at Chakotay, and then at the doctor. "Can I nurse him?"

The EMH gave her a slightly alarmed look, and as she responded in kind, her former first officer placed a hand upon her shoulder. "Kathryn," he cautioned, even as the image of her holding the child to her breast floated unbidden from her mind to his.

"I…" she stammered uneasily. "I always imagined I'd nurse my child. I want him to have the best." _But I've already deprived him of that,_ her mind interrupted.

Chakotay eyed her sternly. _No guilt. You've done your best._

"Have I?" she spoke aloud, and now the EMH looked confused, realizing he had missed part of the conversation.

He decided to address her previous query. "With hormone therapy, I believe it is possible for you to lactate. But because of his age and his implants, he doesn't strictly need breast milk, and may not want to latch."

_I want to try_, Chakotay heard her think.

He eyed the hologram then. "Can we have a moment alone, please?"

While it was possible for them to converse in front of the EMH without the hologram overhearing, it still seemed rude, and honestly, the doctor was a distraction.

Kathryn continued rocking the baby, who had fallen asleep, as Chakotay knelt in front of her and placed his hand upon her knee. She couldn't take her eyes off of the miracle she was holding, and he couldn't take his eyes off of her.

"It would be inconvenient," he pointed out aloud. "We're about to go on a deep space mission. We need you to be available at any moment. Babies need to be fed on demand."

She sighed. "But this is no ordinary baby. You heard the doctor. He doesn't need the breast milk. If I need to be on the bridge, he'll survive. Or I'll feed him there. Inconvenience is not a good excuse to deny my child the best possible nutrition." _I have to try_.

_I've never been able to say no to you_. "All right," Chakotay conceded. He tried to stop the next thought, but it came anyway: _but it won't work_.

In response to that, she looked up again and gave him an angry glare. _Defeatist_.

Just then, a stream of hot liquid shot up from Kathryn's lap and drenched Chakotay's shirt.

For a moment, Chakotay was stunned, but then both began to giggle.

"I suppose we should put a…" Kathryn started.

"…diaper on him." They finished in unison.

"But now I've got to get cleaned up," Chakotay assessed, standing up and looking around for the nearest washroom.

"Can you get me that diaper first, though?" Kathryn interjected. "And maybe a onesie?"

He smiled at her urgency. "Of course." Quickly, he grabbed a tricorder and scanned it over the baby to get its measurements, then replicated the appropriately-sized items and handed them to her.

_You're not going to help?_

"Oh, sorry," he apologized. "I, uh, I'm not sure what to do."

"You never babysat Miral?" Kathryn asked incredulously.

"I…" His voice trailed off. _I was with Seven then_. The thought inspired a rash of emotions from both of them simultaneously: guilt, shame, sadness, anger. _It's in the past; let's move on_.

"Here," Kathryn spoke up, hoping to clear the air. "Why don't you take the child, and…"

As she lifted the baby towards him, he looked uncomfortably down at his shirt. "Wait," he said, pausing for a moment to come up with a quick solution, as he knew that rising from the rocking chair with a baby in her arms would be a bit awkward. "Let me…"

With that, he took his shirt off over his head and discarded it on the floor. Then he held out his arms to receive the precious bundle.

Kathryn rose, still holding the diaper, and looked around for a suitable flat surface on which to lay the child while wrapping him. "There," she said, pointing to a table nearby.

Quickly, she set down the onesie and unfolded the diaper, laying it flat, then held out her arms to once again receive the child. As the baby was passed back to her, Chakotay's hands brushed against her arms and she shivered slightly at the contact. _Not now. Later_. Neither knew exactly whose thoughts those were.

"Watch," she instructed him as she began to carefully wrap him up.

Unfortunately, he began to squirm and twist, not wanting the material confinement he had never before experienced. Kathryn couldn't get the diaper around him straight, and she sighed with frustration.

Chakotay stepped in and attempted to hold his son still, and as he struggled, called for the doctor. "We could use some help over here."

The EMH burst through the door, looking alarmed. "Is there a problem? Is the baby ill?"

"No, we just…" Chakotay started.

"He's wiggly," explained Kathryn, still trying to tame him enough to fasten the diaper.

The doctor sighed. "Is that all? Here, watch carefully."

With that, he pushed both parents away and with lightning speed, diapered the baby perfectly, dressed him in the simple outfit, and handed him back to Kathryn. "Did you get that?"

_No, but we'll figure it out. Eventually_. At that thought, Kathryn giggled slightly, and again the doctor looked bemused at having missed out on part of the conversation.

His unease was not lost on the captain. _We're going to have to deal with this, so as not to make the crew uneasy._

_Later_, his wife replied. _We'll figure it out later_.

_Before or after we figure out the diapers?_ he asked silently, making her giggle yet again.

The doctor eyed them grumpily. "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

The two adult humans shared a knowing look before Kathryn spoke up. "I'd like that hormone hypo, so I can lactate," she requested.

"I see," the doctor acknowledged. Then, he peered at Chakotay, looking him up and down. "Did you want the hypo too?"

Chakotay gulped. "What?"

"I assume you want to participate in breast feeding, given that you have already uncovered your breasts. I must warn you, it may take some time: even for Kathryn, it could take up to two days, so in the meantime, if he gets fussy, you'll need to use formula…that is, if you want to sleep."

Coughing as the mother of his child suppressed guffaws, Chakotay held up a hand. "Thank you, but I will leave the breast feeding duties to Kathryn. I took off my shirt because it had pee on it, and hadn't bothered to replicate another one, and don't have a spare with me."

"Ah, hence the urgent call for help with diapering." He softened a bit then, realizing that his former commanding officers were, at the moment, just another set of new parents, and quickly accessed the part of his program that would give the appropriate advice. "Baby boys are a particular hazard. You might want to get a bag of supplies ready to take with you wherever you go. Spare clothes for you and the child, burp cloths, diapers, wipes…"

"I understand," interrupted Kathryn. Although she realized the doctor's advice was useful, she wasn't ready to process it all quite yet. "So, formula until my milk comes in, and then I can nurse him?"

The doctor frowned. "If all goes well, yes. However, he should be old enough to have solid foods as well as breast milk or formula," the doctor continued, "but because he has not ingested anything yet due to his unique situation, I suggest holding off on that at least for a few days, if not a few weeks, especially if you hope to have a successful nursing relationship."

"Got it," Kathryn answered solemnly, unconsciously rocking the child as he drifted off in her arms.

_You look so natural. I love you so much_.

Kathryn looked up at her husband then with wide eyes. _I love you too. And him._


	2. Chapter 2: Nursing

Title: Kes's World, Chapter 2  
Author: Singing Violin  
Series: Star Trek: Voyager  
Rating: T  
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. Please don't sue.  
Summary: Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay embark upon a mission to bring Ocampa into the Federation. A sequel to "Kes is Dead."  
Feedback: Always appreciated. I'll get this out as fast as I can, but ideas and encouragement always help. :)

The baby awoke, screaming, for the fourth time in as many hours. Exhausted, Kathryn picked him up and began to rock him in her arms. She felt like she hadn't slept in days.

_You haven't_, observed Chakotay silently, sympathetically.

_How is it that you can sleep through this ruckus?_ she retorted. _If only I could have some coffee..._

He shrugged, ignoring the last thought that had flickered through her mind, and spoke. "Maybe he's hungry. Do you want to try nursing again?"

She nodded, although she was beginning to feel defeated. The doctor had been helping her, and had showed her some useful tricks, but she hadn't yet been able to get the baby to latch without help, and was beginning to wonder if she never would. The doctor had claimed that it would get easier once her milk came in, but now that she could squeeze a bit of white liquid out of her nipple, it still wasn't any less awkward to actually feed the baby with it. Furthermore, she had no idea if the baby was actually getting much out of her, although the doctor assured her that he was…but his wails told another story entirely.

To complicate matters further, in less than two weeks, they were scheduled to disembark with their new crew which, between the diapers and the feeding attempts, they'd had very little time to assemble. Luckily, most of _Voyager_'s old crew had requested to be assigned to the upgraded ship, and some came with spouses who would also be valued crewmembers, but they still had holes to fill. For one, they needed a medical staff, beyond the EMH, who would continue on as their CMO; they'd needed special dispensation for that accommodation, as the hologram was not, technically, a commissioned officer qualified for that position, but they'd argued that he, unlike any human doctors, had actual experience in the Delta Quadrant and therefore all the relevant expertise to lead the rest of the medics on their mission. Reluctantly, the Starfleet brass had agreed. And fortunately, the doctor was participating as much as he could in the selection of his staff, but the command duo still had to approve his choices, which meant reading bios and reports and, on occasion, conducting comm interviews.

She lifted her shirt and carefully placed the baby into position, the way she'd been shown. Chakotay helped her to hold the child while she pinched her breast flat, then he tickled the baby's nose.

A triumphant ease washed over Kathryn and transmitted itself to Chakotay as the child began to suck. However, her pride turned to pain quickly and she grimaced, moaning slightly.

Chakotay might have taken the sound to indicate pleasure if he hadn't felt her anguish through the bond, and he cringed along with his bride. "Is this normal?"

A tear fell from her eye then as she looked from the child to him, and then back again. "I'm not sure. It's a little better now, I think." Again, she was unable to fool him through the bond, but he allowed her the grace of completing her task, ignoring her obvious discomfort and attempting to hide his own experience of it.

When the baby unlatched, pulling her nipple slightly as he pulled away, he felt a burst of increased pain followed by profound relief. _Done. Until next time._

He took the child from her, but as she began to cover herself, he stopped her. "Let me see."

She shrank then in her chair, not wanting to admit her weakness.

_You can't hide from me anymore_, he thought, and she knew he was right.

"It's nothing," she tried, "I'm sure it'll get better with practice."

He frowned, settling the child in one arm while he used the other to finger her breast. "You're bleeding. And I know how much pain you're in. We need to see the doctor about this."

_I can't. He was already against it. He'll tell me to stop. I can't give up._

"Kathryn, please. For me." _I've seen you suffer enough for ten lifetimes. And now I have to suffer with you._

"For our _child_," she corrected aloud, "I need to give it more than a week. We can consult the doctor, but I need to know that you support me."

Feeling how important this was to her, he smiled sadly and nodded. "You have my word."

She tapped her communicator, and a few seconds later, the doctor shimmered into the space next to them.

Even though she knew it was natural, and even though he was just a hologram, she still felt shy baring her breasts for the EMH to examine. And as he touched her mammary organs, she couldn't suppress a wince and a sharp cry of distress.

"Can't you just use a tricorder?" Chakotay asked angrily, feeling surprisingly violated – he wasn't sure if he was feeling possessive, or if he was sensing what she was feeling, and even the possibility of the latter made him well up with tears. _I can't imagine what it's like for you_.

_You can now,_ she answered bitterly.

"I'm sorry, Captain, Admiral," the doctor replied brusquely, "but the tricorder cannot sense pain. I needed to know where it hurt."

Janeway was angry then. "You could have asked."

The doctor sighed. "Very well. I will not touch you again. But this is serious. I can use a dermal regenerator to repair your nipples, but there's a large risk of closing the pores…you'd be reducing your ability to express milk, and increasing your chance of an infection."

Kathryn sighed. "Then don't. I can stand it. Are there any…more natural remedies I can try, to lessen the pain?"

"Lanolin cream," replied the doctor. "Rub it on your nipples before and after nursing. You don't need to wipe it off; it won't hurt the baby if he ingests it. I can replicate you some right now, if you'd like."

Five minutes later, Chakotay had set down the child in his regenerating bassinet and returned to help his wife. Tenderly, he rubbed the cream on her, attempting not to cause her any more pain. It helped to feel what she was feeling through the bond; the moment he began to hurt her, he knew to stop.

"That's much better…" she started, but her voice trailed off as she remembered the first time she'd said that to him, a time when she'd pushed him away for fear of…what exactly she really could not recall.

He proceeded to carefully cover her and then drew her into his arms, closing his eyes tightly as he felt her gratitude in his mind and her warm body against his. He knew that she felt his worry, and he attempted to quell it, not wanting to incur her wrath. He wanted so much to make love to her right now, but with her in so much pain, and so exhausted, he knew it wasn't an option.

Finally he pulled away, then sat down next to her. "We have to talk." _I know this isn't what you want to hear, but…_

_Then don't say it. You want me to stop. I have to give this a shot._

"We're behind on mission planning," he pointed out. "You're fatigued. I'm feeling it too, through the bond. Neither of us is going to be an effective leader like this. We have to disembark soon and we don't even have a full complement of crew yet. I think we need to make a choice."

"_I_ need to make a choice," she corrected. Then, lowering her voice, "You want me to choose the mission…Starfleet…over our family's well-being."

He shook his head vehemently. "No. Kathryn, I feel everything you're feeling now. It is _our_ choice, whether you like it or not. And I think that we will _all_ be better off if you're not in pain, and you can sleep."

"Switching to formula doesn't mean I'll be able to sleep," she pointed out. "He may still wake us up."

"But then," Chakotay replied, "I can get up with him and give him a bottle, while you sleep."

She grumbled. "You know I'll wake up anyway. I always do. I'd have to wake up just to wake you up to feed him."

She noticed with dismay, then, that tears were trickling down her cheeks. "Damn."

"Kathryn, you're exhausted," Chakotay observed, and her response was a watery glare. _Of course I am. I can't even remember my Vulcan training right now._

Hastily wiping away tears, she started anew. "Let's make a deal. Give me one more week, with the lanolin. That still gives us a few days to make preparations for the mission, even if I can't do anything during the next week. And I'll try pumping, so you can feed the baby too." She'd sensed his longing to participate fully every time he'd observed her painful struggle. _I feel like I haven't even been given a chance_.

He negotiated. "All right. But if you get an infection, that's it, we're stopping." _I can't bear to see you ill again right now, especially if I can't properly take care of you because I'm feeling your pain_.

She tried her best to smile through her tears. "You've got yourself a deal. But for now…do you think you could join me for a nap? Doc said I should be sleeping when the baby sleeps…or regenerates…"

He smiled then, his dimples sparkling holes into her eyes, and she closed them briefly against the onslaught. "Of course."

Picking his wife up in his arms and relishing the touch as she circled her own arms loosely around his neck, he carried her over the threshold and set her down on their bed. Giving her a quick peck on the lips, he felt a rush of pure love warm him from the inside, and then an echo as he realized she was feeling it too. "Good night, Mrs. Chakotay."

She chuckled then. "Good night, Mr. Janeway."

With that, he lay down beside her, cuddled against her, and forced himself to stay awake just long enough to feel her drift off into peaceful slumber.


End file.
